Gay Porn Reviews: Movies Time Forgot, Vol. 2

Posted September 30, 2008 3:39 AM by with 2 comments

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In our second installment of “Movies Time Forgot,” intrepid reviewer Rob J. digs deep and takes a look at three rarely seen classics, including one starring GPB fave Rick Donovan (as a rockstar, no less!), a collection of Falcon loops so good they’re painful, and the one gay film ever made by one of the biggest legends of straight porn.

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The Private Pleasures of John Holmes, 1983, Gentleman’s Video
Nowadays, everyone refers to John Holmes as “that junkie from Wonderland”, but 20-some-odd years ago he was one of the most lusted-over figures in the world of adult entertainment, this centaur-like creature with a cock so big he reportedly killed 2 (!) men while performing anal sex on them (not that it made him any less attractive in the eyes of his other 13,998 lovers … ) So when it was announced that Mr. Holmes would star as a sleazy Sultan in a non-stop, all-male extravaganza, there was little doubt whether Gentlemen’s Video’s new movie was going to be absolutely huge (pun intended). That’s not to say that the Sultan’s incredibly large dick is the sole reason for this movie’s incredibly large success… It’s just that it’s the finest piece of flesh you’re going to see here (or anywhere else, actually), although there are more than enough scenes starring the Sultan’s well-hung ‘slaves’ to keep you moist throughout the whole thing… size queens, take notice!

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Heroes, 1984, Nova Films
Watching movies like Heroes can be compared to being bummed by Chad Hunt (not that I’ve ever had the honor): it’s pleasure and pain rolled into one. Sure, “the acting” is superb, and there isn’t a single dick you wouldn’t wanna ride, but somehow, all this hotness only makes you wonder why we sometimes have to be so quick to dismiss our own (glorious) past: Take modern gay porn as an example. Where are those so-crappy-they’re-actually-brilliant storylines that everybody loved to hate and secretly hated to love? Now, I ain’t saying that I didn’t enjoy Passio (was jerking off to it the other day), but, as Heroes successfully proves, there really is no reason to be so fucking serious all the time. Give me some bad acting! Give me some cringeworthy lines that sound oh-so-sexy coming from Tim Kramer … especially when he’s parading around with that magnificent cock on display! And, while we’re on the subject, give me some role playing, too! There aren’t that many things obscene enough to make me cream my pants, but when I saw <a target=new href=http://vod.nakedsword.com/dispatcher/starDetail?starId=2162&theaterId=41348&subaffid=738>Rick Donovan</A> trying to face-fuck Danny Connors, I was THIS close to doing so! No need to say that if Mr. Donovan ‘was’ just another anonymous dude with a horse dick (and not a fabulous rockstar who has a knack for doing something outrageous in front of a live TV audience), things would be ve-e-ery different… Speaking of horse-dicked dudes. I want them back as well. In every fucking scene. Just like in Heroes. OK? OK. Rant over. Enjoy the movie.

 

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Dirt Bikes, 1983, Falcon Studios

It’s 2 in the morning and I’m right in the middle of a 3 hour long sex marathon, so if that’s alright with you, I’d rather not get all “insightful”, “serious” and, err, “deep” while reviewing Dirt Bikes… Instead of this, I would simply like to tell you five things that you need to know about it. Alright, here we go, then:

1. Actually, it’s not even a movie, more like 7 stand-alone loops put together… Which isn’t that bad, because even if watching somebody being fucked double penetration-style by their own kidnappers isn’t exactly your idea of fun, there are still 6 other scenes to enjoy …
2. The second loop is called “Toilet Training” and, as if that isn’t good enough, it features a big dominant top with the Rett Butler face and an ass so big I could eat it for hours … Sounds rather exciting, eh?
3. While we’re on the subject of big tops … Believe it or not, but there are so many 9″+ type of guys here I had to stop counting! That’s a whole lotta dick, as Madonna once said!
4. Of course, there is no such thing as a perfect movie and Dirt Bikes has its share of ropey moments as well … Still, once that bit where the almighty Mandingo is being mouth-raped by 2 filthy rednecks starts, everything’s forgiven!
5. This must be it, then.

Click here to check out the first installment of “Movies Time Forgot”.

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2 responses to Gay Porn Reviews: Movies Time Forgot, Vol. 2

  1. ChicagoCub September 30th, 2008 at 8:48 PM

    Rick Donovan is one of my all time favorite porn stars. He had such a huge dick and knew how to use it. (Has I guess – he’s still alive)

    I still favor Chad Douglas from the past but Rick Donovan is up there with the favorites.

    Reply

  2. dlg October 2nd, 2008 at 5:27 AM

    We have all of these films, and they are GREAT!!

    Reply

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