ARPAD SUICIDE NOTE: ‘HATERS CAN HATE’

Posted February 5, 2013 4:13 PM by with 53 comments

There isn’t much known about Arpad Miklos’s suicide, — even close friend Randall Lynch says he was shocked when he found him Sunday night. But a note that Miklos left may shed some light on one cause of his depression: trolls. And if we’re smart, it also gives us a way to help prevent this in the future. A decent proposal, after the jump

In addition to instructions as to what to do with his body, Miklos wrote that he knew, even in death, he’d be attacked. “Haters can hate,” he wrote in his suicide note. He brushed it off.

For a gay community outraged at our own bullying, maybe it’s time we look in the mirror at how we treat our own. The gay porn industry may not have killed Arpad Miklos, but we porn ‘fans’ might have.

Porn stars maybe brave, but they’re not robots. And if you’re dealing with other self-worth issues — around sexuality, age, looks, whatever — reading outrageously vicious comments that echo your own terrible insecurities might just be deadly. The trope of the basement troll calling someone ugly or fat or small-dicked gets laughed off in public by stars — but those words have consequences. Arpad was loved by a lot of people, and helped a lot of people come to terms with their sexuality. It’s sad that even in death he felt he had to address the people who attacked him in life.

Did nasty comments alone cause Roman Ragazzi’s depression? Erik Rhodes’ drug problem? Josh Weston’s body issues? No. Did they help?

As bloggers, I think it’s time we do a better job managing trolls. As a policy in the past, we’ve only removed the libelous, the racist, or the downright evil. But vicious, unconstructive attacks on people’s looks? From now on, leave it elsewhere. Or better yet — don’t leave it at all.

Mike

Related:
RIP: Arpad Miklos (1967-2013)
Kristen Bjorn Remembers Arpad Miklos

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53 responses to ARPAD SUICIDE NOTE: ‘HATERS CAN HATE’

  1. Damien Crosse February 5th, 2013 at 4:59 PM

    Excellent point

    Reply

    • Just another average joe February 5th, 2013 at 7:30 PM

      Bullshit!

      If you spend your life looking for validation from people(especially when you are working in porn) you will sadly be disappointed and left a shell.

      This is true in life as it is in the public forum.

      I don’t think commenters or porn killed Arpad, Arpad killed Arpad.

      He had depression, and his life in porn might have been an attempt to address it.

      Mr. Crosse, I wanted you to myself, and prayed for your divorce– And I’m an atheist! Do I say negative things about you, sometimes. And other times I marvel at your beauty. Comments/judgements are fleeting! People need to realize this and take them with a grain of salt. See the link, http://lifehacker.com/5915488/how-can-i-learn-to-take-criticism-without-taking-it-personally

      For every detractor-hater, there will be another fanboy or guy that thinks you are hot peice of ass! This is not a real way to help self worth or esteem.

      @Damien Crosse: I want to sit on your face! GRRR!

      Reply

      • Joe February 6th, 2013 at 10:02 AM

        “Do I say negative things about you, sometimes.”

        Why? Like, seriously – if you admit that you’re attracted to Mr. Crosse, why would you do that? It just doesn’t make sense.

        Reply

      • Mike February 6th, 2013 at 10:53 AM

        We all hope that everyone’s as strong as you. But just because we have the right to say it, or that they should be able to deal with it, doesn’t mean we should. There’s a difference between saying something anonymously and saying it with your identity attached. And there’s a difference between giving criticism or not liking something and saying something brutal and vicious, just as there’s a difference between a handgun and a Howitzer.

        Reply

        • just an average joe February 6th, 2013 at 11:41 AM

          You are creating serious leaps between making anonymous comments(which in it self means they shouldn’t have value, by what you are alluding to in reply to my fist comment) and handguns.

          Would it be impossible to imagine that Arpad had depression his whole life, and never sought treatment or help when it was needed? Even before the critics and fans, before starring in PORN he had this condition? Would it be a possibility that his choice to work in porn prolonged this inevitable conclusion of death, because it offered some solace and validation?

          Do you know how many people commit suicide who AREN’T in Porn, or don’t even have online Personas/Profiles for “bullies” to dissect?

          So let’s take the argument that commenting caused Arpad’s suicide…

          Thinking that someone is a “hater” because they didn’t care to listen to someones aggrandizing, is delusional on part of the person who is being criticized. Erik Rhodes is a perfect example of this, he worked in the industry right beside these models and constantly was laughing at them for their overestimated view of themselves. He would blog and comment online about it the absurdity of it all. Was he a “hater”? I mean, he is a great example, because technically he committed suicide…he even announced he would do it… and no one did anything to stop him. But he was someone who critiqued and commented on the silliness of some of the performers he would be cast with.

          Let us just assume: there are plenty of people online who post ridiculous things about themselves… and what really is going on, is that they are hiding insecurities and not really addressing them…and the rest of us can dissect and be cunty about… so whose fault is that? Is there someone to fault at all?

          People who are thin skinned should learn to digest critics in a certain way without it becoming a defining quality that they stress about. See link I provided in the comment above.

          It appears that all human frailty and problems can boil down to one issue…the ability to recognize the need for help, and the willingness to ask for it.

          Arpad clearly didn’t want to seek treatment, and didn’t want to cultivate a life outside of his profession as a sex worker(escort/pornstar). This choice left him the only option to develop a self worth value system based on the whim of someone else’s desire or passing interests.(Which I tried to point out above for Damien, it is a whim, despite being good or bad, shouldn’t be taken seriously.)

          Arpad should have been making strides long before this, to end his career on a high note and move into a new phase of his life outside of sex work, or at least accept that fact that “he cannot have it all” and find a good therapist to cope with the realization.

          Reply

  2. chris February 5th, 2013 at 5:48 PM

    IDK, this all sounds very vague. I don’t remember Arpad being particularly picked upon for anything.

    I say lets wait to see what more comes out of it.

    Not saying we should attack people, porn star or not, but hasty judgement is usually the wrong one.

    Reply

    • Mike February 5th, 2013 at 6:32 PM

      Whenever a porn star dies — especially when they commit suicide — there’s a lot of hand-wringing about what the gay porn industry should have done. All I’m saying is that we take events like this to look inward, to try and evaluate what we say as fans and how we say it. I’m not saying that we should be operate as some sort of communist day care center, with no dissent and all praise, nor am I saying that this was specifically Arpad’s case. But the fact that he bothered to give a shout out to the haters in his suicide note should give us pause.

      And is it really so bad to reconsider saying nasty, anonymous things?

      Reply

  3. Travis February 5th, 2013 at 6:11 PM

    Wow…that is awful

    Reply

  4. Peter E February 5th, 2013 at 7:41 PM

    Arpad was always one of my favorites How very sad that he’s gone. I will miss him. My deepest sympathies to his family and friends.

    Reply

  5. Anthony Trocchia February 5th, 2013 at 8:07 PM

    Pure fluff and speculation. We must wait and learn more.

    Reply

  6. Wild-Dawg February 5th, 2013 at 8:10 PM

    This is very very sad. More so when it’s common knowledge that the “critics” attacking the actors are mostly old, fat, bald misfits (or a combination there of)
    The only reason they hate is because they hate themselves.

    Reply

    • Mike February 6th, 2013 at 9:03 AM

      “The only reason they hate is because they hate themselves.”

      Sounds like homophobia, no?

      Reply

    • Jay February 6th, 2013 at 9:39 AM

      Ok, wait, I thought calling people old, fat and bald was now banned on this site, or is that only wrong when used to refer to the ‘stars’?

      Reply

      • Mike February 6th, 2013 at 10:34 AM

        Hey Jay — I hear where you’re coming from. But my post was not about “bald, fat, old trolls” but rather about trolls calling porn stars “bald” “fat” and “old.” I did comment on the posters above comment, but it wasn’t meant to as a slam on anyone.

        Reply

  7. Jay February 6th, 2013 at 9:37 AM

    I think it’s unbelievably condescending and unfair to blame it on fans while washing the industry’s hands and forgetting these people have entire lives of their own outside porn. Public scrutiny and, yes, even maliciousness comes with fame, and it’s certainly not exclusive to porn. Have you been to any blog on, say, Justin Bieber or Lady Gaga?, they can be only a million times more vicious and cruel than anything I’ve read on any porn star. I love porn, and I completely oppose bullying, but we should stop looking at these men as if they were delicate flowers. These are grown men who made the conscious decision to get into this business. To suggest Rhodes or Miklos committed suicide because of some nasty comments is offensive to their own memory. There are a million possible reasons why this man committed suicide, you should not make assumptions. Many of those nasty comments you refer to are usually critical of rampant steroid use, which DOES KILL, and I believe to be responsible of many deaths in the industry. Removing them will not help anyone. Denial and extreme political correctness does not save any lives, but sometimes crass criticism may.

    Reply

    • Mike February 6th, 2013 at 10:37 AM

      I’m not saying that the commenters caused anyone’s death. And I’m not saying that pop stars don’t get slammed too. But pop stars also have plenty of people around them countering the haters. They also make a lot more. Most porn stars are independent agents.

      I’m not saying we have to ban anything either, but I do think that something like this is a good time for reflection. I don’t get why its so important to say vicious things about people just because we can. I think there’s a difference between being critical and being a shit-head asshole.

      Reply

  8. Rob February 6th, 2013 at 9:37 AM

    To Mike, the original poster of this blog: Is it lost on you that you are calling for less bullying within our own community, while at the same time using the derisive term “basement trolls” in the post? Even more egregious is that the commenter above seems to be labeling all the critics as “bald, fat, old misfits”.

    Great job at cutting down the name-calling, labeling and bullying on your blog! I do not disagree with you that anonymous commenters often get it of control and say extremely hateful and hurtful things, but the answer is to moderate or delete your comments section.

    I happen to be a so-called bald, fat guy (by gay standards)…somewhat of a misfit…and I have never said anything hurtful or mean on a comment section or to an adult performer. I respect how hard the work is. But it is just as hurtful to me to hear words like bald, old or fat used in a derogatory way on this very post, which is supposedly about less bullying.

    There are plenty of twinks and muscle guys of all ages and hairstyles who bring the snark, bitterness, cynicism and downright mean to these blogs…and there is nothing inherently wrong with being “bald (gasp), old (over 36?) and fat (waist size exceeds 32).

    Arpad/Pete’s personal demons likely had little to do with his profession, and all to do with his depression.

    We need to all treat each other with more kindness and respect.

    Reply

    • Mike February 6th, 2013 at 10:42 AM

      Agreed. We do have to be kinder. But “basement trolls,” as I mentioned as a trope. And the “bald” “fat” “old” was an example of what porn stars are subjected to, not a descriptions of a person. As someone who might qualify as two of those three, I’m with you.

      Reply

  9. DrunkEnough February 6th, 2013 at 9:45 AM

    People who are unwell enough to commit suicide often have delusions that the entire world is against them. That doesn’t mean it really is, and it certainly doesn’t mean blogs are at fault. Paranoia and persecution complexes are classic symptoms of mental illness.

    Reply

  10. Mike February 6th, 2013 at 10:44 AM

    Ah, yes. Which is why we might want to think before feeding it. I’m not saying we always have to be nice. I am saying that it’s not a bad idea to remember the person we’re writing about is a real person, maybe with mental issues, maybe with not.

    Reply

  11. Jerrod February 6th, 2013 at 11:06 AM

    Actually, I think it’s funny that anyone thinks it’s cool to berate, belittle, or criticize anyone because “it’s their right to do so.” We will never know the issues surrounding ANY of these tragic losses, because we can never be inside someone’s psyche/soul. What we can do is recognize that words have consequences, no matter how slight they may be. I personally believe in the adage “if they hurt you and they didn’t mean it, let it go, and if they meant to hurt you, they are not worth even noticing”. Bet TROLLS hate that. RIP all the pornstars we have lost recently- I’m off to tell 10 of my current faves how much I appreciate them!

    Reply

  12. Rob February 6th, 2013 at 11:41 AM

    I appreciate your reply, Mike, but wild dawg’s comment above is saying that the COMMENTERS are “bald, fat, old misfits.” He is not referencing such derogatory terms being slinged at pornstars, but rather is saying that the critics who comment must be old, fat and bald. My only point is that…if you are going to open this thread about being mindful of our hurtful language to others…then a comment that generalizes that all mean critics are old, fat, and bald is just part of the problem. Trust me, there are many young, “hot”, thin guys who are among the meanest when hidden behind the anonymity a comments section provides. Make the commenters show their face and real name and let’s see who says what.

    Reply

  13. rod February 6th, 2013 at 12:59 PM

    It is a sad fact that on these gay porn blogs, whenever anyone in the industry dies, there are always terrible comments. These comments are not productive in any fashion. It’s as though certain anonymous commentors get off on tearing down people in an industry that they “look down on” but are participants in by watching and downloading videos. When someone in the gay community dies, no matter what they did in their life, there is no reason to speak ill of them, especially if you did not know them personally. Comments should be left to expressing condolences and maybe offering solutions if they die tragically so that maybe it doesn’t happen to someone else. The numbers of suicides in the gay community every year are increasing and rather than name calling, we need to more to prevent it.

    Reply

  14. Hector February 6th, 2013 at 1:51 PM

    We assume by haters he meant online trolls, but it could well be real life haters, and we all know the type, the repressed elitist robots who can’t accept anything but complete conformity, the types who judge and feel a need to voice those judgements right to our faces because, well, you know, apparently God elected them the voice of all morality in the universe.

    Haters, indeed, and I bet, though I certainly do not know, that it was those haters that truly affected him the most, though surely that alone could not have been the cause of this. Suicide is never simple.

    Reply

  15. Eddie February 6th, 2013 at 2:32 PM

    ” Moderating comments ” is censorship. I lived for 21 years in a country without democracy and lots of censorship. I know were this measure leads… It’s the worst idea! I only post comments where people let me speak freely. Censoship only depreciates and robs all the credibility of the blog. There are too much blogs outside that only permit people clapping hands for all stuff they post. It’s tiranical and make the blog’s content poor as we see there with posts like: ” Oh, hot “, ” I’m horny ” , ” I want him ” etc. I’ll feel offended in a blog only allows good comments. You have the right to comment too if something that you read didn’t please you but not the moral power to play the censor. I wouldn’t like to be in a blog where only a certain kind of ideas are acceptable and I’ll never post here if one of my comments will be deleted. Let people speak what they want ( and it includes the racist, the libelous, the downright evil…” trolling ” ) and let them be judge for their words by the others. If you cut off the bitches here will the world turn into a gay paradise? ( Pardon my english ).

    Reply

    • Mike February 6th, 2013 at 2:51 PM

      We’re not talking about only allowing ‘good’ comments. We’re talking about keeping the discussion civil. I’m not interested in being a forum for racism, nor for spam, nor for libelous claims or publishing of personal details (as it could be argued I’m liable as well). All of which we deal with regularly, and remove. We already moderate those because it makes for a civil place to talk about porn. This isn’t about the government cracking down on free speech, or playing moral judge — as far as goverment censorship, I’m pretty much a first amendment absolutist. But if someone comes to dinner at my house and starts insulting another guest, or telling me that my boyfriend is fat, or insulting my mother, I have every right as a private citizen to tell him to leave.

      If you want to have a mature discussion, I’m open to all of that. And Eddie, I appreciate that you aren’t anonymous, and that you use your email. If someone wants to identify themselves, it’s a whole different ball game.

      Reply

    • Purlmaster55 February 10th, 2013 at 12:23 PM

      A blog is not a government or a country. It is not required to allow anyone to say whatever they want. When you visit a blog, you are visiting someone else’s house (as it were) and you should be respectful of their rules, wishes an directions or go else where.
      No one is entitle to be allowed to comment on a blog.
      That has nothing to do with censorship or freedom of speech (which is about the government restricting the rights of citizens)
      Every blog has community standards.
      If the standards of this blog are “No trolling”. Then you can troll. Period.
      I am a firm believer of the tried and true “If you have something nasty to say to someone, say it TO THEIR FACE” if not, you are a coward.
      I think if every person commenting and saying nasty, outrageous things about porn performers had to walk up to them and say it to their face, they’d think twice about it and/or STFU.

      Reply

  16. Antonio biaggi February 6th, 2013 at 6:25 PM

    Sad so many Models in the industry has many issues and Fans and Haters do leave comments that can make them depress , Thanks to God I get tons of emails of hate and racist shit every day and I just ignore and smile , because I m very confident , but so many of the Models are not that confident , very sad I Never work with him but Its A lost for the industry .
    and The first Hatters in the industry its the other models and studios that been jealous send hate messages to other Models

    Reply

    • OMG February 8th, 2013 at 4:02 PM

      @Antonio biaggi: Hire a public relations person. Stop posting messages online if they aren’t going to be coherent.

      Some of the stuff you have said in the past, specifically about the Catholic Church child abuse accusations being trumped up, really pissed me off. But I refrained from trashing you, because I know you aren’t very educated and literate to begin with.

      This goes for the post you’ve just made about models… and their inability to rationalize comments that were of poor logic and bad taste.

      Reply

      • Taoalwyn February 9th, 2013 at 5:08 PM

        I can understand the message, what’s your problem?

        Reply

  17. Estelle February 6th, 2013 at 8:55 PM

    No one really knows what he meant by “haters are gonna hate”. His friend said he didn’t let on if he was in pain or going through something. People have very strong, sometimes vitriolic reactions to someone who has committed suicde. From very sympathetic to very cold and unemotional. The same goes with someone who dies of a drug overdose. Look at the comments directed towards Whitney Houston when she passed. They ran from beautiful tributes and sympathy to “who cares about that cracked out bitch”. The same can be applied to how people react to someone that kills themselves, especially someone who was in the adult industry. I don’t know if it is so much about what people say on blogs but maybe how people see and precieve porn stars and sex workers in general.

    Society has become very desentized to things like murder and suicide and are selective with who their sympathies are directed towards. Arpad never had much of a social profile (Facebook/Twitter etc..) and the only time he ever commented on a blog was with his infamous straight scene and even then he backed away quickly and never participated.

    Having sex with people you don’t like, aren’t attracted to, or are even ruplsed and disgusted by on a regular basis in order to survive financially for many is very soul crushing and damaging. Maybe even more so for someone who is middle age and didn’t have a partner and maybe not a lot to fall back on at this point in his life.

    Reply

    • OMG February 8th, 2013 at 4:03 PM

      Whitney and Arpad. I see a connection.

      In either case, the appropriate reaction would be “carry on.”

      Reply

  18. James February 6th, 2013 at 10:03 PM

    Yeah, please don’t blame porn fans for this man’s death. I’ve come across other porn stars who seem sort of unstable too (ones that go on about haters etc), and its usually for no good reason honestly. If someone kills themselves over the POV of others, that’s extremely sad. But yeah, don’t blame us. If I criticize a porn star, its usually over doing something stupid like bareback.

    Reply

  19. Whore Moan February 7th, 2013 at 3:34 AM

    Meryl Streep has been called various pejorative names in numerous fora and she didn’t commit the ultimate act of agression — suicide.

    Comments, shmoments.

    Reply

  20. Jose February 7th, 2013 at 9:30 PM

    I read about his death and any suicide bothers me big time. I suffer from a lifetime of clinical depression and people have no idea when our brains go into ” depression mode” our thinking changes extremely. We become hyper critical of ourselves and we obsess on what we “perceive” as wrong with ourselves even if its the tiniest of things. We keep piling up our gazillion perceived defects until it turns into a mountain – a mountain we have no idea how to climb over or under or around. It’s extremely hard being depressed basically our own minds betray us. I do want to say a lot of gay men are vicious. Easily criticize, diminish or dismiss another man based on looks, age or wealth. We have to learn to be more accepting more tolerant. What I see now is no gay community but a bunch of self centered superficial arrogant men running around only looking for themselves only. I don’t know what triggered such a decision in Arpad Miklos who knows what his depressive thoughts said but maybe it’s a wake up call to gay men. I hope he rests in peace and his inner demons are gone.

    Reply

  21. franklin February 8th, 2013 at 2:24 AM

    People forget that these guys are not superstars with large support systems like Lady Ga Ga, etc. When commenters or online bullies say these horrible things for the sheer pleasure of inflicting harm it can well damage someone. I commend you for at least broaching the subject that we need to create a more loving atmosphere (and that goes for gay life in general). P.S.: you seem to have struck a nerve with several people in denial or downright koo koo (praying for your divorce – yikes).

    Reply

    • Jay February 8th, 2013 at 10:37 AM

      That is BS and phenomenally condescending to these men. If you are a 30-year old grown ass man and a couple of trolls’ comments drive you to suicide, then you were royally messed up to begin with. If you are strong enough, mature enough and sane enough to make the decision to become a sex performer, then learn to live with public scrutiny, and yes, the sporadic trolling. There are a million other reasons why these men commit suicide, many of them work in prostitution, how about having to have sex with a complete stranger(that you’re not necessarily attracted to) on a regular basis?, how about having your liver fail from steroid abuse? or having to live with(and having to hide) your HIV positive status(which you likely got from one of your clients)?. All of those seem a whole lot more degrading and suicide-inducing than a couple of nasty comments.

      Reply

      • Carlos February 15th, 2013 at 8:49 AM

        Jay, I couldn’t agree with you more. Some people want to romantize the industry and “create a loving envronment” to cushion the blow of reality, when in truth, the industry itself is harsh and the gay community even harsher. I doubt gay people would be so loving and kind in their tribute had he looked like Ron Jeremy.

        Reply

  22. Kent February 8th, 2013 at 4:57 AM

    Excellent point. The Sword more than encourages trolling and haters, it’s pretty sick.

    Reply

  23. I call BullS*it February 8th, 2013 at 6:30 PM

    “The gay porn industry may not have killed Arpad Miklos, but we porn ‘fans’ might have.”

    That line has got to be the biggest bull crap written (the writer’s an Idiot too if he truly believes that). I’ll just leave at that.

    Reply

    • Taoalwyn February 9th, 2013 at 6:05 PM

      Why? If you leave a message about someone saying you think they look like the rear end of a cow, how do you think they will feel. I’ m betting not too good about themselves. I’ m not advocating we should lie and say they have sex appeal that will draw in millions of fans, but or comments can and do have an impact.

      Reply

      • Carlos February 15th, 2013 at 8:22 AM

        comments only have an impact if you read them..I know people who never read blogs and others who don’t even get their news from the internet..You act as if though everyone if FORCED to ingest crap spouted on the internet.

        Reply

  24. Derek Lyndon February 9th, 2013 at 2:46 AM

    Without wanting to make any further useless comments and add to the snippy comments(I mean, not even in front of death, we can be united for a moment of civil respect, for a prayer, for a warmer,kinder thought: I guess most comments above, even though, a little more contained than usual, show where we stand unfortunately!),beside bringing my deepest condolences to Mr. Arpad Miklos family, and, closest friends, i’d like to remind him as he was, a human being, like anyone and at the same time like everyone else! He was a very good looking man, quite kind, always reserved, and classy, never out of place, and, active for the community in a Country that wasn’t even his own! Unfortunately, he decided what he decided, over all i don’t believe it’s anyone’s fault or matter,I am just truly, deeply saddened! And, I agree with the post from Mike.
    Living in a big city like LA is, i often cannot avoid to notice how unfriendly and harsh we can be to each other! Certain people more than others, for sure, but,there’s always a lot of judgment in general! It often saddens me since i think about the bullying issues and about how many people even straight (among others, super hot British Rugby player, Ben Cohen)have been trying, and, are trying to help! However, until we won’t learn that being honest is very different than being bitter, than being creative is very different than feeling entitlement,that being established is not a gift, so we can only establish that for ourselves, nor a privilege,and in fact we should only be way more and more sympathetic and forgiving, in the case, and, most of all,until we won’t feel that being human, is just a condition that everyone, either rich or poor, fat or bald, popular or lonely, conservative or extremely liberal,sexy or ugly, Asian or Black’s, does indeed matter to anyone who can in fact feel and love, and, give, for a change, not always expect, but give, even just the act of giving a hug or just say a nice word to someone, at times, could make an enormous difference in this whole world!
    We should live with a mission to open up and keep open our minds,all the borders,all the interests,without always hiding or living in our own little world and way too easy, comfortable, usual circles: there’s a lot to love out there, and, a lot to learn: we just need to listen, to give and do something that it is not just for ourselves or our happiness, let go of this ego, we all think so important, we have became so selfish, we cannot even see it anymore, and,we should also stop wanting to impose our thoughts as if they were always the only way, the absolute!
    There’s no right or wrong! There’s just compassionate!
    Every human being is different, and, we should never consider someone with different ideas or expectations, someone we need to judge or someone who needs to be “excluded” by our life or friends, no matter who they were, or even think that they may be folks who don’t interest us! How? Do we really know it all? Who does?
    We may be surprised of how much there’s to learn from the people we thought most different from us, and, we, as in Gay people, should be for obvious reasons, the first ones to give this good example to others, and to embrace each other with holy respect all the time, with all the differences. Instead we are always try to fit, to look alike.. Look like what? Who said that “such look” or “such mind” is better than another? Who? Maybe the same ones who think we shouldn’t get married?
    Only a community without respect cannot be a community, and, people without an open mind won’t be a part of any accepted community or any progress, because people without an open mind, cannot unfortunately change anything at all.
    RIP: Peter! And all the other ones who can feel more than others.

    Reply

    • Carlos February 15th, 2013 at 8:30 AM

      I noticed that the first thing you mentioned was how good looking he was..I wonder how long your post would have been if he was not at all attractive..Being more mature in age than you, (I am guessing), and having lived in both los angeles and new york, I can attest that the gay community tends to be crueler to older and unattractive people and in los angeles even moreso obsessed with looks ,youth and plastic surgery. I am guessing part of his depression came from his aging and being stuck in an industry and a communty obsessed with the young. I don’t spend much time hanging around in the gay community for exactly that reason and quite frankly I am happier now that I don’t.

      Reply

  25. Mark February 9th, 2013 at 5:49 AM

    Internet bullying is a new phenomenon and people in general haven’t learned how to cope with it yet. I’m Dutch and in Holland there has been
    considerable debate surrounding this issue in the media after two teenagers committed suicide because of internet-bullying.

    I myself was a victim of bullies and eventually went into therapy in order to process all the bad memories and experiences.

    What I learned was, that people who have a history of relentless bullying (at school, at work, towards relatives, on the internet, etc.) are often seriously mentally ill themselves: it’s likely they have an Anti-Social Personality Disorder, which essentially means they have no ability whatsoever to feel empathy or remorse. It’s a brain disorder and (as yet) incurable.

    Often the psychologica/physical pain these people inflict on others, shouldn’t even be taken personal. These people need kicks and excitement (they are easily bored) and will lash out at anyone they perceive to be easy victim (the nerd, the ‘gentle giant’, the socially awkward, celebrities and public personas who are not in a position to directly defend themselves).

    These people are out there and will simply never stop. Avoid them, ignore them or contact the appropriate authorities if they become a serious menace. By any means: do not attempt to reason with them.

    What you need to realise is who they really are: these people are crippled, and in a sense they are not even fully human, never have been, never will be. AND THEY ARE SURE AS HELL NOT WORTH KILLING YOURSELF OVER.

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  26. Taoalwyn February 9th, 2013 at 6:00 PM

    I’m appalled to read some of the comments here and at other sites. We seem to think that we have the right to make personal comments about someone in the public arena, just because they are there. Giving constructive criticism is not about sarcasm or personal opinion on appearance. Yes we can say we don’t like something, ie an actors efforts in a scene, but not that we think they look “like a sack of s**t recently evacuated from a trolls arse”. We need moderation to remove bullying. Moderation is not censorship. We’re not talking about removing a person’s right to express there views on society’s treatment of …(fill in the social cause of your choice).
    I know there are many funny lines expressed by drag queens, often incisive at the expense of some celebrity or even member of the crowd, but that’s about trying to entertain not hurt. I’m fully aware there is a fine line between the two, but it must be said there are too many hateful comments pasted across this communication highway. Maybe it’s about time we adjusted the speed limits or even set up some stop signs.
    I enjoy watching many porn actors out there, but not all turn me on. If they don’t I simply don’t watch them!

    Reply

    • Carlos February 15th, 2013 at 8:40 AM

      Moderation is censorship.It suggests that some opinions shouldn’t be uttered because they may appear too harsh..What needs to happen is that people need to develop a thicker skin. Where do we stop?..Who gets to say ,what might hurt someone else’s feeling? In my day , the old “sticks and stones” poem helped us deal with unkind words and empowered us..What you are suggesting is for the world to evolve around insecure people who chose to make themselves victims instead of choosing to become stronger and overcoming nonsense like unkind words..And for the record I don’t believe for an instant that a strong , sensible man like himself committed suicide because of internet trolls.That’s just ridciculous..i believe his suicide is deeper than that.

      Reply

  27. J2 February 10th, 2013 at 12:23 AM

    I think that “haters can hate” is a bit out of context there. Regarding the contents of the suicide note, Randal Lynch said:

    “He knows that there will be judgement. Haters can hate. People can speculate whatever they want but he’s not gonna give a specific reason and give that satisfaction to everybody.”

    I would have taken that to mean he was expecting to get judged harshly for committing suicide with people calling him selfish etc.

    I don’t recall seeing him get bashed on apart from when he did his straight-for-pay scene in 2009 and when he discussed that in a Sword interview he didn’t seem upset:

    http://thesword.com/arpad-miklos-responds-to-his-straight-for-pay-haters.html

    Reply

  28. J2 February 10th, 2013 at 10:25 PM

    I’m not sure how much we can gauge about his motivation from what someone paraphrased from memory, but nowadays people don’t just use the word “hater” to describe people who bash them but also people who just disagree with them. It’s like a synonym for “naysayer”, so in that context it could just mean people who disagree with him committing suicide.

    I don’t think he’s referencing trolls so much as people who want to judge him and speculate about his motives and oh… look what we’re doing.

    Reply

  29. jamalalami February 14th, 2013 at 10:00 AM

    iam to sad fro arapd miklos because of his suicide i crying now during one week,since 8 februry,i read the news of his deth by hazard when illokd for some of his videos,but by hazar i read the ttel of his deth ,i was think first, that he ll make a film who ll be suicide in film,but i was stupid,it was real suicide,i follow him during 2years,and i begun liked him more and more ,because he was man who evryone can like him,i think alway that he isnt an ordinary man ,in partticular when i read that he was an engineer chemiste ,and he was more than more very handsome than befor,he had always good look good cut of hair,very wonderful smil,i didnt know that i love him only when i read his death,i didnt try crying for stars,since he die i begun to drink herbale calmemant,i dont want drink wine or somthing like that,when i told to some gays in united states that arpad are death,they respond me ,that they re hapy,or they dont care ,because he was only porn actor,i wish that he s alive because the place of bruial didnt knowed,arapd miklos he didnt kil him self but he kiled me because of his suicide ,my email are:jamalalami1983@hotmail.com pls send me an email pls,my number: [] iam from moroco pls send me an email to talk with me about arpad,i cant stop crying for him,he was very handsome more and more

    Reply

  30. Carlos February 15th, 2013 at 8:19 AM

    So now lets blame others for this man’s suicide? You enter an industry that WILL judge you for your performance and you expect everyone to have a favorable opinion of you?..We are not talking about a bullied teenager, we are talking about a 45 year old handsome man with many fans. Society has changed since I was a boy. It went from “we are responsible for our actions”, to “we should blame others for our actions”. It makes more sense that after 58 porn films and getting closer to his 50’s, he was depressed because he realized he was working in a youth obsessed environment.

    Reply

  31. kan February 18th, 2013 at 3:18 AM

    Yes this world is becoming unstable when coming to comments ! Men especially are making fun of men more than anyone else! Penis length, face, baldness ,race and age is so relative words they have nothing to do with life ,sure! Arpad must have left this industry and the equally disgusting brainless “fans” who comment every second especially the younger fans, are far vicious and megalomaniac who have no worth at all! He should have left it and lived with his love or friends far from this crowding zombies ,time would have healed him why did he kill himself for these stupid haters who call themselves critics and fans ,these fans are going to kill all the gays, if we don’t check their words or manners ,yuck these haters are themselves are bad!youth obsession and penis stereotypes where created by some old oldish man in the dark ages and yet we follow it like as though we are zombies engineered to go wrong.Stereotyping male body an face ,must be banned everywhere it has no use at all!Other than creating depression and hell!

    Reply

  32. Michael March 4th, 2013 at 3:31 PM

    The whole thing is tragic. To a young gay man who is offered alot of money to do porn might seem like an attractive invitation, but as time goes by, these performers have alot of trouble cultivating one-on-one relationships and have self-esteem issues. Many of these porn actors can handle it, and some cannot. Personally, just by Arpad`s note about “haters”, it`s pretty obvious he encountered this during his career. Alot of people do not take porn stars seriously, then when they get older and their looks start to fade, they are left with really nothing….no retirement pensions, no social security. And if they do find work elsewhere, their fear of being “found out” terrifies them. I know guys who have appeared in gay porn, and I can say it can be an emotional mess after awhile because they are just having sex on camera, but they long for acceptance and love, which eludes them. One friend who has appeared in gay porn said getting into doing porn was the biggest mistake of his life. He longed for love and acceptance, but in all reality, not too many people want to have a partner who`s done 30 porn movies. It creates alot of tension, so their relationships don`t work out and they get lonely. Trying to find a partner and failing happens in the public domaine as well but think about it. These performers are searching for acceptance in a world where porn is frowned upon in general in our society. It`s not something to get yourself involved in, it will come back to haunt you one day. My condolances to Arpad and his family and friends, may he rest in peace.

    Reply

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