No need for the Fab Five from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.'' Our new governor is already exfoliated, pedicured and peeled. He is already wearing the Bruno Magli's and the custom-made shirts and the elegant cufflinks.

He is fabulously coiffed, and I'd bet my stash of cuticle cream he is no stranger to waxing.

When Arnold Schwarzenegger took the oath of office in Sacramento yesterday, he ushered in the era of the metrosexual governorship, a high- profile intertwining of modern masculinity and modern politics into one shining sensation of style, style, style! Who could be a more perfect representation of American culture than an immigrant man with a Kennedy wife, a superhero reputation, a Hollywood agent and really clean pores?

Metrosexual, for those who haven't heard the word, is the label given to the straight, urban man who is well-groomed, well-dressed and perfectly at home at the cosmetics counter at Saks. He cares deeply about the width of his lapels and the crease in his slacks. He trims his nose hair religiously.

And nothing comes between him and his reflection.

"Arnold is totally a metrosexual,'' says Michael Flocker, who wrote "The Metrosexual Guide to Life: A Handbook for the Modern Man.'' He cited Schwarzenegger as an example in his book.

"He has said he has hundreds of pairs of shoes,'' Flocker said. "All of his clothes are tailor made. He makes regular trips to the spa for manicures and pedicures. He's impeccably groomed.''

Indeed, the first quote in Flocker's book comes from an interview with Schwarzenegger in the July issue of Vanity Fair: "I am a major shoe queen!''

Yet I would argue that Schwarzenegger doesn't fit perfectly into the metrosexual mold, and not just because he wore white athletic socks with his designer suit when he met with the Chronicle editorial board last year. His crass behavior toward women, his swaggering confidence and frat-boy humor, are a throwback to a power-tools and pro-football version of masculinity. Oh, wait.

That never went away. (Think "The Man Show,'' Donald Rumsfeld as a sex symbol and the happy public reception to our cowboy president's rallying cry "Bring it on!'' in the midst of war.)

Schwarzenegger can perhaps more accurately be described as a retro- metrosexual. Since the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, we've been dreaming about a manly leader who can make us safe. Don't bore us with details.

Just stand there in your ice-blue power tie and assure us you are up to the task. Who fits the bill better than the Terminator?

When someone looks as polished and commanding as Schwarzenegger, it doesn't matter in today's political climate that he has no experience, no track record, that what we know about him goes no deeper than his moisturized skin. He founded his run for the governorship on last year's successful passage of his after-school initiative that, when you read the fine print, had no funding stream and therefore hasn't served any actual children.

But he said what we needed to hear. He delivered comforting, inspiring sound-bites about hope and miracles and golden dreams. He did what every successful politician must do to win office in America today: Stay away from anything resembling a substantive discussion.

"Americans are leading busy lives,'' White House communications director Dan Bartlett said in a newspaper interview, laying out the blueprint for campaigns everywhere. "And sometimes they don't have the opportunity to read a story or listen to an entire broadcast. But if they can have an instant understanding of what the president is talking about by seeing 60 seconds of television, you accomplish your goals as communicators.''

Maybe we relate to Schwarzenegger because there is a part of us that suspects we are all stars in one big reality TV show. Schwarzenegger is simply a more evolved version of ourselves, people who, with a little luck and the right connections, could become rich and famous. Television commercials and Oprah and Dr. Phil more or less make that promise to us every day, telling us we're special, we're worth it, we own the road, we are the ones we have been waiting for, we are capable of anything.

If we accept this as true of our own ordinary selves, why wouldn't we accept it of a man who looks like a buffed and polished god? So here's to our retro-metrosexual governor, a man with a superhero image that seems capable of saving an entire state, and enough style to make us believe in it.

I was going to clean out the garage this weekend, but the chance to commune with nature, standing in front of a Glory Hole, sounds far more alluring.

Before you know it, the kids will be going off to college. I want them to see some amazing sights while they're still young. Some parents don't care about providing their children with an education, but it's important to me. A trip to see this Glory Hole might be even more enlightening than our recent trip to Ruby Ridge and the Porcupine Mountains.

Before we leave, I'll do some research on the Internet, to get some details. I'll find out if we should bring any supplies, like flashlights or rope. I wonder if we need to pack a lunch. I'd hate to get all the way to the Glory Hole and find out that there's nothing to munch on for miles. We can bring some protein bars either way.

How did I hear about the Glory Hole? Well, when I took Skipper to get his nails clipped, I overheard one of the groomers talking about it to Don, who had his poodle in for a shampoo. The groomer said the Glory Hole was "mind-blowing," and Don said he was definitely going to check it out. When I asked them about it, they clammed up. They always seem to be clued-in to the newest restaurants and art museums, so I'll bet they wanted to keep the Glory Hole a secret. Well, for once, the McTaggerts are in the know!

This Glory Hole must be really something, if people are so reluctant to talk about it. I remember being the same way when I found that great sub shop on Oberlin Avenue. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that this Glory Hole is something I won't be able to keep to myself. Hold on to your seats for some great vacation photos!

A few guys at the gym had great things to say about the Glory Hole, but as soon as I told them I was taking my wife and kids, they didn't want to talk about it anymore. I had to wheedle the guy who works at the gas station to get him to draw me a map. He told me that there aren't any highway signs leading to the Glory Hole, and said I should head straight to the park's rest station. If I keep my ears open, he said, I'll find the right spot.

When I told the gas-station attendant that it would be my first time over on that side of the park, he warned me to be careful. He said things can get a little rough. Well, I told him that I love getting out there with the wild animals. I don't know anything about the Glory Hole, but I think it's thrilling to be out there in the dense underbrush, not knowing what's around the next bend. I'm ready and willing to explore.

Yep, I can't wait to hit Highway 87 with a cooler full of ice-cold Capri Sun. It's only a two-hour drive. The kids and I can have some fun in the car, singing songs and playing games, while my wife takes a nap to rest up for all the activity at the park. Then we can all pile out and blow off a little steam.

His presidential fitness program come froma man who posed stogie-chomping on the cover of "Cigar Aficionado". He claims vast business knowledge, while his failed Planet Hollywood restaraunts have gone bankrupt. His adherents claim he's "gay friendly" while he's vowed to keep marriage a straight-only deal.... Still, some gay people think that, having posed nude a few times, Arnold likes us, he really, really likes us.

Recent pictures oa Arnold posing with cast members of the sadly canceled show "Battle Dome" prove that Arnie's at least friendly with a few model/acotr types with a porn past they'd rather forget: Christian Boeving and Chad Ullery.

Boeving, of fitness magazine, B-grade movie, and (clothed) Playgirl fame, is also a one-time porn cast member in the saucy Posing Strap (1994 Director Chi Chi LaRue, ed.). As Lance Bronson, he gets a little extra fluffing in a faux-vintage photo shoot.

Much speculation in online forums debate whether it is Boeving, but porn actor supreme Zak Spears has confirmed that his tongue did indeed delve deep into Boeving's less-defined, yet well-muscled, posterior.

Ullery, who has graced the pages of Colt and Playgirl, and bottomed in a few porn video, including "Behind the Barn Door", is currently in the state of California, and denial. He recently acquired a lawyer, who, after a few insistent and annnoying phone calls to this publication's offices, made it clear that he did not perform in said videos and was allegedly the victim of a sexed up doppelganger.

I refused to recant my column about Ullery's diverse career, as it was based on lots of factual research... Denial like that of Ullery's is part and parcel of an allegedly gay-friendly fitness behemoth of Schwarzenegger's fame.

When prolific author Jack Fritscher tried to sell Arnold memorabilia a few weeks ago, eBay promptly censored his listings, alleging that Fritscher's political statements on his online storefront were "inappropriate".

Fritscher is the author of "Some Dance to Remember", a massively passionate novel of bodybuilders. Also a former lover of Robert Mapplethorpe, his personalized biography is only part of the Mapplethorpe legacy. Fritscher's recently sold archival items include photos of Schwarzenegger considered even more risque than the frontal nude published in Spy magazine years ago.

The Mapplethorpe foundation is apparently keeping the naughty pics under wraps, proving that the Gropinator's censorious tentacles reach beyond the state line.

Meanwhile, the glut of auctions for another frontal pic resource, old copies of After Dark featuring Arnold, are going cheap.

But wait! There's more!

Remember Paul Baressi of the "I slept with John Travolta. Oops, no I didn't" fame?

Baressi, long a performer in the erotic and prostitutional arts, wiht a diverse resume of straight, gay, and bi porn magazines, is also a director of spanking films and cigar kink videos. A Vietnam vet and state wrestling champion, Baressi has suceeded in spanning the realms of diverse career choices, from private investigator to star of "My Dad Beats My Ass", and "Men of The Midway".

Less known on his curriculum vitae is that of one-time bodyguard to Arnold and his wife, the frighteningly thin Maria Shriver.

One wonders what other sort of personal services the randy and always ready Baressi might have provided during employment for the once and future Fuhrer.

Baressi's web site boasts him as "the leader in gay military movies." Maybe there's still hope for all those closed army bases.

This interesting association inspires a dredging (or Drudgeing?) of some other even more confusingly porny remnants of "Aw-node's" not too distant past.

Even his workout books have a closer relationship to the adult section of your local video store. (see photos)

Take "Arnold's Bodybuilding for Men", one of the scads of large-format exercise books with lots of black and white images of handsome men stretching and flexing in shorts about three sizes too small....But a more interesting model is the mustached gent that may be familiar to fans of Joe Gage's classic 1977 porn film, "El Paso Wrecking Corp."

Mike Morris, whose erotic career wastoo shortlived (Pieces of Eight, California Fox and a Colt photo spread), shows how he got so flexible in Arnold's book, where he's clothed, but still quite sexy.

Morris's role in El Paso is as a father who greatly enjoys himself as he watches Fred Halsted fellate his son (Jared Benson). will this be part of Arnold's "GOP Family Values" platform?...

A politician's proximity to sex workers and porn does not ensure political sexual freedoms, nor does his former peak physical condition assure us of a healthy state.

The proliferation of homosexual themes on prime-time television - "with at least nine gay-centric shows" this season alone - is the slick mag's December cover, which features the stars of NBC's "Will & Grace," Bravo's "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" and Showtime's "Queer as Folk."

But an essay by Ned Zeman comes to the surprising conclusion that "TV's gayest show is, and always has been, 'Friends.' "

Zeman argues: "The hugely popular sitcom put a face on the love that dare not speak its name, starring those three lovably wisecracking girly-boys, Chandler (Matthew Perry), Ross (David Schwimmer) and Joey (Matt LeBlanc), who favor pastel neckties, sweater-vests and hair products, and who spend their days lounging around a coffee bar, sharing muffins and lattes with the gals.

"That only the Friends themselves seem unaware of their obvious gayness says a little about them and a lot about the state of prime-time television, which is so steeped in gayness even the straight guys could go either way."

WASN'T it just bound to happen? The story of the race to become the governor of California is being turned into a porn movie, Ananova.com reports.

One of the candidates in the race, adult actress Mary Carey, will soon begin shooting a sexy behind-the-scenes view of the campaign.

The two-hour picture will co-star porn veteran Ron Jeremy as California's current deputy governor, Cruz Bustamante, and muscle-bound X-rated actor Lee Stone as Arnold Schwarzenegger. Carey, 23, will play herself.

"It's kind of, like, satirical," said Mark Kulkis, president of Kick Ass Pictures, which is producing the film. "I think that Mr. Bustamante and Mr. Schwarzenegger will take it in the fun spirit in which it's intended because we're not being mean-spirited at all with this."

"I LOVE A MAN IN (AND OUT) OF UNIFORM!" in honor of Veteran's Day at the View (232 8th Ave. btw 21st/22nd NYC) Saturday November 8th, 2003 from 10pm to 1am (and beyond). No cover. http://www.cockring.org/viewuniform.htm

Body shots and Raffles to benefit the charity and Interviews with the Stars throughout the evening with a special Best Uniform Contest with winners receiving bar tab, off Broadway show tickets with special prize, a copy of The Sweater Book by Stephen Mosher.

Tickets provided by Hugh Hysell Communications http://hhcmarketing.com/ for "Naked Boys Singing", "My Big Gay Italian Wedding", "Listen To My Heart: The Songs of David Friedman" and "Addicted". Click on http://www.offbroadway.com  for information on these and many more shows!

Additional donations from http://www.MyGayDar.com , COLT http://www.coltsudio.com , Lucas Entertainment http://www.lucasentertainment.com , Raging Stallion http://www.ragingstallion.com , Monster Bang http://www.monsterbang.com , http://www.MovieMountain.com , http://www.BadBoysPoolParty.com  and ID Lube http://www.idlube.com  

Media sponsored by NEXT Magazine, http://www.Cockring.org , http://www.Male4MaleEscorts.com , http://www.GayPornBlog.com , http://www.MarkNelson.biz
and more.

*About CHEST:
The Center for HIV/AIDS Educational Studies and Training (CHEST) is a collaborative endeavor between New York University and the City University of New York at Hunter College.  CHEST conducts research on social and psychological factors that contribute to HIV transmission. Studies at CHEST also seek to identify and promote strategies that prevent the spread of HIV and that improve the lives of people living with HIV.  The Center's current research focuses on secondary prevention efforts among HIV positive men who have sex with men (MSM) including, drug and alcohol users/abusers and primary prevention with HIV negative MSM.  In addition to carrying out formative research, CHEST aggressively disseminates the findings of its studies to organizations serving persons with HIV and at risk for HIV.

About The Sweater Book:
THE SWEATER BOOK is a book of Celeb Photos from all aspects of the entertainment industry all wearing the same sweater. Proceeds going to 2 AIDS Charities. Celebrities featured in the book include Josh Hartnett, Christopher Meloni, Whoopi Goldberg, Noah Wyle, Maggie Smith, Carol Burnett, Roma Downey, Kirsten Dunst, Glenn Close, Sarah Michelle Gellar and more. Read about the photographer at http://www.stephenmosher.com  and about the book at http://www.photoinsider.com/pages/mosher/mosher.html

About Sal Monetti:
Sal Monetti is a New York City based artist who was born in 1952 in Newburgh, New York to a musical/artistic family. Preferring the joys and disciplines of the visual arts to music and writing (which he explored in his adolescence), he began creating art as a small child, concentrating on paintings, drawings and mixed media pieces. The works were always of an original nature, concerning themselves with issues of portraiture, humanity, self expression, and self examination.

He formally began his career in 1975 at the Albright-Knox Gallery in Buffalo, New York, exhibiting abstract paintings which were also shown in New York City upon his move there later that year. In 1985 he began painting portraits exclusively, an ongoing series that continues to today. In 1989 his art about a close friend who passed away from AIDS was featured with works by Andy Warhol, Robert Mapplethorpe, Keith Haring, and David Hockney in the first AIDS art auction held for ACT UP. At this time he also did original theater graphics for productions at The John Houseman Studio, The Dramatist Guild, The T. Schreiber Studio, and One Dream Theatre, among others.

Mr. Monetti rarely strays from New York City and his art reflects this, being about thee people and places he encounters there. Most notable is his art about the late Quentin Crisp, which chronicles the last four years of Mr. Crisp's life. Three of these portraits have been accepted into the permanent collection of The New York Historical Society and reproductions of the entire series are in the Library of The National Portrait Gallery at the Smithsonian Institute in Washington D.C. and The Museum of the City of New York. Mr. Monetti has also just completed writing a book about his art and times with Mr. Crisp and is currently working with The Curtis Brown Ltd. literary agency to get the book published. The New York Historical Society has also included in their 9/11/holdings a copy of a limited edition booklet Mr. Monetti self published, showing a series of drawings he did of The World Trade Center site live at Ground Zero (November 3 - December 28, 2001). The drawings are accompanied by a poem he wrote about what he saw, heard, and felt while there. Other "New Yorker" portraits include those of Manhattan Cable Television superstar Robin Byrd, legendary adult film star Donnie Russo, writer Perry Brass, television producer Lou Maletta, and, most recently, choreographer/dancer Henning Rübsam and Prima Ballerina Assoluta Eva Evdokimova. All of the portraits deliberately portray the individual in their day to day or "natural" world and include an ongoing series (started in the early 1970's) of self-portraits. Other works include an altarpiece series that examines the fascinations, rituals, and desires of modern day sexuality along with numerous paintings and drawings of his favorite models which address topics ranging from the tenderness and loving relationship of a man and his pet lizard to betrayal at the end of a love affair to the frustrations and feelings of growing older and losing one's sight. In 1976, Mr. Monetti won an award from The Scarsdale Art Society for a mixed media piece he did of The Statue of Liberty. More recently, a photographic essay about Wall Street was included in an exhibition addressing the theme of  corporate misdeeds and greed plus a series of drawings of the dancers in the company, SENSEDANCE, depicting them in rehearsal was shown opening night of their new season. Nearing completion is a series of paintings of the now demolished Union Square Theatre. Also, a long term project of painting quick portraits of friends, foes, and family was began in July of 2003. They are called 12 x 12's  because each portrait is done in oil and pencil, exactly life sized, on a 12" x 12" piece of paper.

Mr. Monetti has had New York City exhibitions at 24 Hours For Life Gallery, A Different Light Bookstore, Art @ Large, Clemente Soto Velez Cultural Center, Creative Visions Bookstore, The Emerging Collector, Fire Patrol No. 5 Art (Harlem), Get Real Art, Joyce SoHo, La Mamma La Galleria, Leslie-Lohman Gay Art Foundation, MBM Gallery, Marcoleo Ltd., Sacred Body Art Gallery, Simon Watson Gallery, Vince Gabrielly, Inc., and Vincent Louis Galleries. Recent publications include A&U Magazine (Radical Redefinitions, an interview by Lester Strong, July 1998) and Blueboy Magazine (Sal Monetti's Altar Boys, April 1998). Mr. Monetti  has appeared on 60 Minutes (the Nine Network in Australia) and MTV Taiwan in features about his work with Quentin Crisp. He was also featured on a number of Manhattan Cable Television shows including  It's A Wonderful Life, Gay USA, Static, The Malignant Muse and Volcanic Video