American Idol

I didn't watch American Idol last season, so I never got caught up in the hype. I'm embarassed to admit that I watched the first few episodes of this season and got hooked. I mostly wanted to see the elimination of the really BAD early contestants just to see how clueless and deluded they could be.

So now it's down to the finals. So who's it going to be, the chub or the fag? Neither fit the ideal profile of an American Idol that a record company would back whole-heartedly.

Ruben has no sex appeal, so they would need to promote him like they did with wheelchair-bound Teddy Pendegrass or Luther Vandross during one of his many bingeing periods. (Downplay the use of photos.) But the whole point of American Idol is to get the winner's mug plastered everywhere to make the teenage girls swoon. They'll make vain attempts to make him look good in photos, but it'll probably backfire. Rappers can get away with being fat, but not romantic balladeers, and American Idol would never let a rapper win.

Clay Aiken is another record exec nightmare. Who's going to believe that boy is anything BUT gay? Freddy Mercury and Elton John went through the motions of denial, but that was a different era. George Michael got away with it for a while when he was younger because he was so cute. It took getting arrested in a tearoom to bring him out, otherwise he would have continued living a lie.

Clay Aiken is going to be a special problem. His looks are clean-cut and "acceptable" to middle-America, but not attractive enough to carry him by looks alone. If he were picked from obscurity by a record company, they would acknowledge limited appeal and manage a modest carrier for him based on just his voice (as it should be).

My vote is for gay Clay Aiken, and I think the judges will pick him, too. He'll make a better pair with Kelly Clarkston for the inevitable tour. They'll make a deal with him to stay closeted for the period of his contract, then he'll land in Broadway musicals where he belongs. Let's see if I'm right.